The Stupid Hurts Me

I am a huge fan of the Bill O’Reilly meme. I hope this thing never, ever goes away. The source of the meme is one of the most idiotic examples of, in the words of Stephen Colbert, “There must be a God, because I don’t know how things work.” Thank you, Bill! Refresh your memory here, if you need to.

I would like to submit to you a nice echo of this O’Reilly mentality in an article on the Conservative News and Views website by Terry Hurlbut. Maybe this article has a more ulterior motive than O'Reilly's innocent questions about the tides, but whatever. As you will read, Hurlbut addresses the discovery of evidence of water on Mars, and further explains the source of this water. How did water "arrive" on Mars? Scientists are apparently “confounded” by this so far, yet there is a perfectly simple answer! Think about it. Can you guess the ultimate solution to this mystery?

Hints: What is the absolute one truth in the universe? That’s right! The Bible! And where, oh where, in the Bible, do we find water? Hmmm…Yes! The Great Flood! Have you heard of the Hydroplate Theory, yet?

It's pure genius! The Hydroplate Theory sounds scientific, and more importantly, it supports my desire to believe everything in the Bible is real! Yes, the evidence of water on Mars was caused by three trillion metric tons of water and debris traveling at 23,000 miles per hour and comically freezing and sailing across the emptiness of space to melt upon re-entry and kersplat onto the surface of the red planet all at once like a giant godly water balloon! The article concludes:

“The objects that did the bombardment came from one event that threw vast quantities of water, rock and mud into space. That event was the Great Flood. That’s why the water is salty.”

See? We're not sure where the water came from, so God did it! Of course, those conspiratorial scientists who continuously warp facts to deny the absolute truth of the Bible and God will tell you that this is not possible. Actually, they won’t even take the time to refute this claim, because they won’t take it seriously. In fact, no one will ever hear about this theory of water on Mars, unless they are planning to vote for Michele Bachmann for president, of course. See, that’s how good those scientists are at keeping down the truth.

Please, for your sake, if your head already hurts right now, don’t read this article. If you’re feeling okay, not too dizzy or nauseous, however, go have a read. Don’t blame me when some of your neurons fizzle and pop, then curl up and die.

Someone, please hold me.

While I shiver in the corner, alone, you can read the full article here, if you are brave enough.