Count Your Blessings

As Thanksgiving approaches, I have witnessed a Facebook outpouring of “Today I am thankful for…” posts. Most of them are nice. People are feeling appreciative for things like healthy children, loving spouses, new homes, and old friends.

And then there’s this:

“As if I didn’t know God was good, today I am thankful that He saw fit to leave a lost ten dollar bill in the isle of the Rite Aid pharmacy for me to find! His blessings continue to surprise me. I give thanks to Him for reminding me that He is always in my life! Now I’m buying a yummy pumpkin latte at Starbucks! TBTG!”

So, you are so cool and wonderful that God thinks you need an overpriced sugary coffee, when that ten dollars could provide a starving child and his dying family in the Sudan with food for a month? Wow, you must be pretty special! All He got for His son, Jesus, was a painful, gruesome death on a cross.

Apparently, the Holy Father has so little to do helping dying babies and smiting atheists that He decided, “Kristie has so many blessings, two great children, a wonderful husband, a new Volvo, a secure job, a warm, comfortable home, and many caring friends. But, she’s such a good Christian girl, I’m going to take some extra time today to give her ten dollars to remind her to keep worshiping me.”

Hey, Kristie, an angry, cynical atheist wants to ask you, “Wouldn’t that ten dollars be better serving God if you turned right around and gave it to the homeless man you pretended not to see on the side of the road as you were on your way to Bed Bath and Beyond to buy a turkey-themed welcome mat?”

“No, how dare you question His ways! God obviously wants me to be happy! God wants me to give my lucky ten dollar bill to Starbucks, a corporation that rakes in thirteen billion dollars in annual revenue, not my daughter’s teacher who is about to lose her home after her husband died of a lingering disease, or the woman at church who is filing for bankruptcy because of her medical bills, or the single mother behind me at the gas station who will be going without dinner tonight so she can feed her children instead. No. I deserve a seven dollar coffee because I am a good Christian and I have been blessed by God.”

Learn from this, my friends. If you are an obedient Christian who remembers where your bread is buttered, and you give thanks and praise to your Sugar Daddy at all times, He will touch your life in miraculous ways. He will help you get a great deal on those new granite countertops for your house, let you find a Tickle Me Elmo for your son’s birthday, make your husband take you on a trip to St. Bart this year, and ensure that the adorable turkey cookies you make for your family Thanksgiving dinner will put your sister’s shitty bran muffins to shame.

Thanks be to God.