Bible Nursery Rhymes

You know how we atheists often refer to the stories in the Bible as old fairytales and myths? I thought that perhaps translating some of them into the format of nursery rhymes might be fun. Feel free to read these to your children, but be warned, it is the Bible. I don’t take responsibility for the nightmares that may result.

Adam and Eve, went to the tree, against the word of Lord God,

Eve ate the fruit, Adam followed suit,

We were doomed because of one broad.

 

Noah Noah built a big ship, Noah Noah took a sea trip,

With all of God’s things, with scales, fur, and wings,

The manure was up to your hip.

 

Little Elisha traveled to Bethel,

Kids laughed at his shiny bald head,

God felt it fair

To send two she-bear,

Then forty-two children were dead.

 

Hey there, David, have you any foreskins?

Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!

Some for the Lord, some for the father,

And some as a dowry to marry your daughter.

 

Simple Jesus saw a treesus on the way to Bethany,

Said the Jesus to the treesus, "Now thee sprout a figgy."

Said the treesus to the Jesus, “…”

So Jesus cursed it to death.

 

Old father Onan, with his bro’s woman,

To impregnate her, that was God’s whim,

After some bonin’, along with some moanin’

He pulled out so God killed him.

 

A traveler and his girl, were traveling the world,

And sought lodging and a soft bed,

A crowd wants to rape the male guest,

And when the host is forcefully pressed,

He offers his young virgin daughter instead.

That’s simply won’t do, the concubine’s there, too,

The hoard tortures and rapes her ‘til dead.

When the brutality ceases, she is hacked into pieces,

And no tears for the woman were shed.

 

Three blind lepers, three blind lepers,

See how they sin, see how they sin,

You cannot enter the temple today,

You’re unclean and so you must stay far away,

But Jesus can regrow your nose if you pray,

Three blind lepers.

Old man Lot was so overwrought after losing his wife to the salt,

But his daughters were fine, and they fed him some wine,

So the incest wasn’t his fault.

Sweet dreams, kids!