Biblical Thinking

When someone bases their notion of morality on a very old book-that many devoted subscribers have admittedly never read in entirety-and that can easily be interpreted and twisted to serve that person's own agenda-you sometimes get what I like to call Biblical Thinking.

You know the kind of logic I’m talking about. It might go a little like this.

I believe all life is a blessing from God. First and foremost.

Yes, I am fiercely pro-life. An unborn child is an innocent, and should be protected at all costs from murder. It is not our place to interfere with the mystical workings of the Lord. Abortion is against the natural order of things, sought by selfish, loose women so they can live in sin without any hindsight about their evil ways or care for future consequences. The unborn embryo is what is most important, and because God saw fit to bring this life into the universe, we must protect it and do God’s will. Thou shalt not kill.

Except…

It’s okay to kill an abortion doctor. Of course I wouldn’t do that, Lord no, but, I mean, think of all the babies’ lives that would be spared.

I’m also staunchly supportive of the death penalty. If you commit a crime, you can expect to be justly tried and sentenced by your blood-thirsty peers. It isn’t about revenge, no, these people are just so tainted by evil, and they must pay for their crimes. It is righteous justice and a victory against the devil. I don’t even want to hear about the countless people who have been exonerated by DNA evidence. If it is God’s will, they would be vindicated. If they are executed, then it was obviously meant to be. God’s plan is mysterious.

I believe that war is justified because it wasn’t us who came on American soil and committed terrorist acts. God is on our side, because we are a Christian nation. I understand that innocent people are often killed when civilian areas are unintentionally attacked over there, but that’s unavoidable. They shouldn’t have chosen that violent, wrong religion of Islam, anyway. Hopefully they repented to Jesus with their last, blood-choked gasps before they died, so that they may know the splendor of His everlasting love.

No, I don’t give much thought to animals. Sure, they are living creatures, but they have no souls, after all, and we are the only ones made in God’s image. They are beasts, simply put on Earth to serve our needs. I tie my dogs to a tree in the backyard and throw them scraps. They like it. I also love hunting with my dogs, because it makes my penis feel not so small, and hell, it’s harmless fun, right? It’s the natural order of things. Without hunting, those whitetail deer would become overpopulated and start swarming in our streets. I’m doing my civic duty by stalking down peaceful woodland creatures, sending a bullet through their brains, and hanging their stuffed heads on the wall in my den.

I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I have also been known to hit my wife. I can’t help it, though. She just pushes and pushes, and I am a man, after all. God made me in His image, and yes, I strive to be as perfect as Him every day, I honestly do, but sometimes Brandy Sue just makes me so mad with her, “Don’t leave your huntin’ boots in the bed,” and “Please try to stop pissin’ on the floor in the corner?” What does she expect? I’m not perfect after all. I mean, who could hold their piss after drinking a whole suitcase of Bud Light? It’s clear that the Bible says that a woman should know her place, and the kids, too. I’m just upholding the teachings of the scripture.

Speaking of that, I found out that a guy I work with is a homosexual. I made it very obvious that he was to stay away from me, because his orientation is wrong, and it says so right there in the Bible. I let him know that his ways are an abomination and against the teachings of the Lord, and to push my point home, my buddies and I cornered him in the employee lounge and roughed him up a bit. Hopefully that will convince him that his choice to be gay is in error. I left him a copy of the Bible in his work locker, so that perhaps he will someday come to realize that Jesus would not approve of his aberrant lifestyle.

The environment? Hah, I couldn’t care less about all that hippy shit like recycling and energy conservation. Frankly, it’s my God-given right to drive a gas-guzzling pick-up truck, throw my trash in my backyard, and burn tires in a fire pit. Don’t you try to tell me I can’t do that, I’m an American. The Earth has been provided as a resource, for humanity, by God. We should use it as we see fit. None of this global warming shit for me. Personally, I know that last winter was the coldest we’ve had in fifty years, so don’t feed me that environmental liberal agenda. God will always provide for his children.

It is another God-given right to bear arms. I follow the teachings of Jesus, and sure, sure, he was all about peace and love, but you try to step one foot in my house or take my stuff, and I’ll shoot you dead before you can slap a sow in heat. Don’t tread on me, as Jesus was wont to say.

Yep, I think you can see that I am a righteous man. I follow the Bible and use it in my daily life to improve the world around me. I work hard, I have strong convictions, and I love my guns, my country, and my Lord. I know if I continue to live my life by the word of the Bible, I will be saved and spend eternity in the everlasting light of Jesus, my Savior. And, hell, if I fuck up every once in a while, like when I accidentally hit that guy on the side of the road with my truck when I was drunk one night, I know that all I have to do is let Jesus into my heart, and all my sins are forgiven. 

God bless America. I am pro-gun, pro-war, and pro-death penalty. I believe women, children, animals, other races, other religions, and homosexual people are below me. I wouldn’t hesitate to shoot you dead if you try to trample on my God-given freedoms.

But I am pro-life.